DISCLAIMER

Please note: all of the buttons you see on the “Meet Sis” page are still a work in progress.
What’s here is just 0.01% of my poetry—mostly old pieces I uploaded years ago and never updated. But that’s part of the fun. This section’s a work in progress, and I have hundreds more to add. Thanks for being patient, and I hope you enjoy what’s here for now.

MY THOUGHTS, YOUR FINGERTIPS.

Whether it be anxiety, depression, happiness, heartbreak, loneliness, love (you get the point), I turn to writing- which has quite literally saved my life.

Love or Whatever

  • everybody’s small talking about the snow falling while i sit at the bar next to your friend from this summer
    the one who showed us that sandwich shop outside of town, remember?
    everyone’s still talking about the snow falling and he’s still sitting next to me.
    he's calling and calling saying you must have fallen asleep. hurry, it’s been months.
    your voicemail is full and my vodka tonic is empty. the snow is getting thick. please pick up your phone.
    i need to ask you to pick up my heart, it’s going to freeze on your doorstep
    look right where i left it in july.

    —

    17 November 2021 - 03:24

  • i imagine how it would go
    would you ask me if im well
    only for me to respond with
    'you know, just going with the flow...
    i still dont sleep,
    im trying not to dwell
    on what we could have been.'
    i saw you last week
    your apartment still wreaks
    of weed
    and your roommate's basketball stink
    i open your door and think before i speak
    about how ive never wanted this more
    greeted with a smile that tells me
    stay for awhile
    i reach for the box cutter on your bedside table
    gripping with my fist i cut deep
    into my chest
    through my ribcage
    to my bleeding heart
    i can finally rest
    on your floorboards
    in the pool of my bloody mess

    —

    11 December 2021 - 16:39

  • when today becomes yesterday and im surrounded by silence, my mind gets tired of screaming thoughts at you
    the ones that say i love you, you hear me, don’t you?
    night after night i listen carefully in hopes to hear you say you do
    but i don’t fall asleep to the sound of your voice or your heart beating on my left ear
    i fall asleep to the idea of slamming my fist on a button, broadcasting my screams to the world
    because that way, you would have to

    —

    7 October 2021 - 17:03

  • i woke up at 3 pm
    curled in my bed like i lied awake last night in his
    i felt nostalgia flow through me like the rain in the gutters outside
    last night he drew his shades but i’m uncertain if it were him or i that locked the door behind us
    i am certain
    that it’s fucking storming outside and i can’t seem to look myself in the eyes
    or stand out of bed to put myself under my shower head so i lie here instead
    i make myself smell last night’s scent
    on my lips and my hair and my skin it’s everywhere
    no shower or amount of rain could wash away the scent of lovers spit
    i cant bring myself to run my fingers through my hair because it brings me right back there
    if i can’t bring my feet to my shower or my fingers to my hair i’ll bring my clothes to the washer i have a bad habit of letting them pile up next to my problems and i won’t wash them unless there’s a spill
    i know it’s time to take care of my bad habit because last night his drink spilt all over me and my clothes dropped on his floor
    it’s fucking storming outside
    and now i can’t look you in your eyes

    —

    9 September 2021

Not so Happy

  • when my own voice sounds like a stranger and when the joy that once filled my body is gone
    i stand tall
    despite feeling empty
    my lungs are still full
    my heart still pumping blood to each limb
    on days like today
    i lie to myself
    saying this air and this blood
    is the reason my body feels so heavy
    on days like today when i cant find a reason to match this feeling of nothingness
    i lie to the little girl inside
    the one who holds me as i cry
    and asks me why
    the one who hears me lie
    about how i dont want to die
    one day at a time
    her light shines and shows me its mine

  • World That Handed Her War

    they called her soft
    like it was something weak
    but they never knew the fire
    that softened her edges

    they never saw her choose gentleness
    in a world that handed her war

  • 8 December 2024 16:28

    the ache
    the endless cycle of opening wounds
    just to stitch them shut again and again and again
    the first cut makes you believe no hurt could hurt more
    but as you bleed out over and over
    you grow accustomed to the way pain carves its space within you
    the pain becomes a room
    silent hollow
    hiding in the corners of your house
    a room no one visits
    where the light burned out months ago
    and no one cared enough to replace it

    sometimes you're forced inside
    desperately searching for fragments of whatever you lost
    for years you'll wander in and out
    collecting scraps pieces of yourself you thought you needed
    each time you'll leave believing you've mended
    that you've gathered enough light

    until one day
    the room swallows you whole

    you'll learn its shadows
    its quiet will become your quiet
    and when you leave
    you'll carry a weight you cannot put down

    this room
    it no longer feels foreign
    you no longer fear its stillness
    but it is still so dark
    always the darkness

    you'll try to abandon the house
    escape the shadows that seep through its walls
    but this house is yours
    and others love it
    admire it from the outside
    they would mourn if it were gone

    still you might wonder
    what is the worth of a house where darkness devours every corner
    where one room
    one quiet forgotten room
    can overshadow all its beauty

    you know this house is valuable
    but worth is meaningless
    if no one loves it enough to light its darkest spaces
    you only want someone who will notice the shadows
    step into the quiet
    and with steady hands
    screw in a lightbulb

My Insane Brain

  • i'm a maniac because i'm an insomniac
    i walk around all day with this stupid fucking zombie brain
    please, call me insane.
    i don't feel any pain, i don't feel anything anymore, not like i used to
    i guess it does feel cold in this cafe.
    i need to get my things and pack because i just might have a panic attack.
    jesus christ, i really am a maniac.
    an egotistical, self-aware, narcissistic, freak, fucking whack attack

    —

    13 December 2021 - 19:04

  • Quick Disclaimer for Anyone Reading:
    I’m all good now, but this was written before I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (POTS), and at the time I genuinely thought I was going crazy. POTS is a condition that affects your autonomic nervous system, which controls things like heart rate, blood pressure, and digestion. For people with POTS, standing up can cause their heart rate to spike and blood to pool in the lower half of the body, leading to dizziness, lightheadedness, fatigue, brain fog, and sometimes even fainting. It can also come with weird sensory stuff and anxiety-like symptoms, which is exactly what I was trying to put into words here.

    These are my direct, unfiltered thoughts from my journal—no edits, no polish. Just me trying to make sense of what my body and brain were doing at the time. No need to worry, I don’t need to be checked in lol.

    —

    8 June 2021

    It's happening again, but how do I explain this feeling when I don't understand it myself? Am I going to pass out? Or, did I not eat enough? No, maybe it's my lack of sleep? Wait, no... it can't be that. I got... wait, how many hours of sleep did I get?

    11:30, 12:30, that one. 12:30, 1:30, that's two. Then, I woke up at 1:45 and fell back asleep at 2:45... ish. Okay, then I went from let's say 2:45 to 3:45, three. To 4:45 to 5:45... hopefully I did that right. So, hold on... let me go back and count my thoughts. About 5. Yeah, 5. Can't be the sleep, that's normal, right?

    Anyways, maybe there's something mentally wrong with me. I mean, obviously—that's what all the diagnosis say. Did I use the right word, "diagnosis?" But... I mean, something else. Maybe derealization or depersonalization. Everything is so blurry right now. Not just right now, but 30% of each day. Why can't I remember what I did yesterday? Not even yesterday, what did I do this morning? Side note—my hip is tingling, why? Why does it hurt so bad right now?

    Am I okay? Or is this not real? Maybe it doesn't hurt and I'm just experiencing (did I spell that right? Whatever, keep going you fucking idiot) heightened sensations. God, I'm such an awful speller.

    I can feel the room slowly feeling normal again (hopefully). Maybe I will feel "me" again soon, or maybe this robot writing in blue ink really... is me? Soon, my "normal," "artistic self" will read this blue ink and look at it with sympathy. Maybe turn it into some fucking thing she likes to call, "art."
    "Shut the fuck up, Sofia." Oh my God, that was mean... yeah, I'm back.

    —